confessions of an anti-depressant taking mom...

Postpartum Depression Anxiety and Marriage

2011-11-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

Did you need your husband to be supportive? Were you barely keeping your head above water, barely taking care of that newborn cause you kept thinking it wasn't yours and the "real" parents were going to show up and take it away any moment now? And you would look up at your husband like that cat from Shrek 2, who now has his own "Puss 'N Boots" Movie, with those big, round, dark eyes, that just pleaded "Help Me?"..."Please?"

And were you left wondering why he wasn't doing anything?

If this has happened to you, it's definitely happened to me, please leave your comments. I would like to address this and get to the bottom of this. And it doesn't involve giving them the benefit of the doubt when you were the one that needed it the most...!

Totally Sober...!

2011-10-12T04:35:00.000-07:00

Guess what??? I quit drinking!!! Yup, going on my 4th week now. It's amazing the clarity you get when your mind isn't blurred by the alcohol fog.

Did I have a problem quitting? No. I know that sounds impossible, but there's a reason why which at some point as things play out in my life I will discuss later. Due to circumstances I can't right now.

I don't miss it either!

And as far as the depression. I still get it, but it's different now. More manageable if you will. It seems the alochol was making me more depressed, and yes I know it's a depressant but when your under the influence you don't care.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor - Eat your heart out! And thanks for the inspiration and motivation.

Manilla FREE Organizing System Online - Enter Contest to Win $500 for Your Bills

2011-10-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

I read about this in Oprah's Magazine (it was an ad) and I bookmarked it but never got around to checking it out. I use Mint.com which I LOVE and I love anything that is free and makes my life easier but is quality stuff! And this one looks like it is. I will talk about it somewhere once I check it out. I thought I would tell you about it here because if you're anything like me when you are depressed, you let the paperwork and bills pile up. In fact I still have stuff from when I had my Postpartum Anxiety sittin' around in a drawer somewhere. Which now explains my bad credit score.

Anyway, here is the link to signup for FREE: Manila And here is the link to enter the contest: Manilla .

Want to win $500 to pay your bills? Click here to tell us you signed up for Manilla and answered the hub page question to be entered to win. Official Rules (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KlCwG17ZyTv5WonKW5Nr2oBfuLOOMIz-8Ej2hQsdKw8/edit?hl=en_US&ndplr=1&pli=1)

And they made me say this: This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Manilla.
I was going to say this: And yes if you do something with this offer I will get a small monetary compensation, but I still thought this thing was really cool before I found that I might get paid for it.

911

2011-09-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

so, i believe that the terrorists planned it on this day because of what 911 stands for. i know a lot of people say that's not the case but to me it's too coincidental.

so since this is a blog about depression, i thought i would mention that although it's 10 years later, i still can't watch anything about this day. i went into a severe depression. and no i didn't live in new york, heck, i lived in california at the time, but i went into a deep depression after this.

so many people were deeply affected by this. so many lives were lost, so many families changed. i honor you all and pray for you all. this isn't about me so i just want to have a moment of silence....

Postpartum Depression Anxiety...What I Looked Forward To At The End of the Day...

2011-08-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

When I was in the midst of my Postpartum Anxiety you want to know what I looked forward to at the end of the day? Was it my newborn baby boy? No! I was deathly afraid of him! Was it my beautiful 6 year old daughter? That whole year of her life is a blur to me. Was it my husband? No way, I felt that not only did he not know how to support me through it (I know that's not fair but I have supporting evidence) he was contributing to it. So here goes nothing...

A glass of wine. And not any glass of wine but a good oaky Chardonnay that I couldn't afford. So since I couldn't afford it I had to settle for a lesser, cheaper version of the original. But it worked. It was medicine to my soul. At least then. The American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Drugs classifies alcohol (ethanol) as a “Maternal Medication Usually Compatible With Breastfeeding.” A medication...and didn't I say it was like medicine to my soul. If only I didn't do it every day. And only if I didn't have more than one glass. If you are worried about breastfeeding and what kinds of medications you can ingest and breastfeed with, and even if it's not okay you have to feel okay with it anyway, this site was the best resource I found for it: Kelly Mom. When I had my Postpartum Anxiety and was on all kinds of meds for it including ethanol...heehee...this was my go to site. It was my saviour in a strange way. I fixated on something I felt would get me through this, or at least that must have been my gut instinct, and went to this site and the other sites it referenced every day. Sometimes every hour.

So anyway, back to the drinking. Want to know what my favorite book was at the time? Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's "Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay". Kind of scary that I even remembered her exact name and how to spell it correctly. I bonded with her while reading this book. I identified with her, I thought "go me" I don't have a drinking problem, I just have a rough life...until she exposed herself. On Larry King Live no less. Her wine drinking every night wasn't about just taking the edge off. It was turning into a full, blown problem. Oh, well, that's just fucking great. Here I finally feel good about myself and she has to go and do that. Needless to say I was disappointed. I even pointed it out to her on her blog. I don't think she noticed. But I digress.

Okay, duty is calling once again, so remind me where I left off please cause I still have lots to say about this...

Slightly Drunk,
Mom

Top 50 Blogs on Depression

2011-07-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Hey - I made it on someone's list for the above title. Can't believe it! They may just be trying to get more hits on their website, get it 1st page Google ranked, but whatever...just excited to be there. You can find it here: Postpartum Depression Anxiety

I am listed as #37 overall and #3 right under Postpartum Progress (shocking!) under the heading of Top Postpartum Blogs About Depression.

And you wanna know what else? If you type in a Google search the following "Postpartum Depression and Anxiety" guess what??? I am on the first page of Google!!! Granted I'm the last listing on the page, but I'm on that page. On the same page as Postpartum Progress. Unbelievable...very exciting stuff!

i am NEVER going to travel down this road again!

2011-07-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

omg...you think i would have figured it out by now. my post titled "a road i've been down before" discusses a time when i was no longer suffering from post-partum anxiety but was literally driving down the same road i had been when i was. it brought back memories. and a little anxiety.

well, guess what? once again, i was driving home down this road and i started getting little anxiety attacks. nothing major, but enough for me to feel like i was starting to breathe too fast and that i might need to pull over. and then i realized...i've been down this road before...both literally AND figuratively. and i don't want to go down it anymore. you think i would've learned my lesson. well, it just so happens this is the quickest way to and from the mall...heehee

but i will find another way. just like i had to find another way to get out of my postpartum anxiety. reading blogs like this one, books, joining online and offline support groups was what i did. i was trying to reach out to everbody because i feared if i didn't i wouldn't be around much longer to take care of not only my beautiful DD but my beautiful newborn DS.

by the way, it is 2 years later and i am taking the max of my anti-depressants and just recently was prescribed a new anti-anxiety med to deal with the anxiety that pops up at the withing hour...more on that later...in the mean time...please try to keep on, keeping on...much hugs to you and yours!

The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

2011-06-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

back to the therapist...(aka) getting your hair done...

2011-06-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

which is a good thing...actually a really great thing! it is amazing to tell a complete stranger everything you need to get off your chest and you walk out a little lighter.

yes, the insidious anxiety has come back and it took six weeks to wait for an appointment...six excruciating weeks. needless to say that i now have a weekly appointment for the next six weeks.

my friend mentioned that once i went..."you will feel so good about yourself, kinda like you got your hair done." and you know what? she was right! thank you friend!

to all of you postpartum women out there that think it's shameful, or taboo, or think that a therapist couldn't help...i beg you to try it. this isn't the first time i've been and it certainly won't be the last.

i swear even today people won't openly state they see a therapist. to me it's no different then going to the gym to workout my body. i feel like a healthier, stronger person for going...it's like a workout for your soul.

will i ever get used to this,,,?

2011-04-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

will i ever get used to these muggy nights? will i ever get used to these southern charming not-so-charming neighbors? will i always miss home? which is california. when will i stop calling it (california) home? i've been in north carolina for 6 years now...at least i think i have. we had a major tornado scare last weekend. like, (i had to do that, i'm from california, my nickname is val, valygirl, get it?) i was and my family were huddled in the little guest bathroom hoping it wouldn't hit us. it was less than 8 miles away. we could tell when the tornado went by us because the lights started to flicker on and off quite quickly. no fun. debris was falling from the sky! unbelievable! NC took the hardest hit after last weekend's deadly storms. and again, we were on tornado watch and my husband just informed me that 39 people died. not in NC but this just happened last weekend and it's already happening again? and yes, i am depressed once again...will it never end? i never buy tabloid mags. but i had to pick up people mag. when i saw that catherine zeta jones admitted to just recently being diagnosed with bi-polar. it hits too close to home because when i was a newlywed 13 years ago(just celebrated 2 weeks ago) my father-in-law committed suicide...on dec. 21...4 days before christmas...we now have 2 young children and it sucks to always have to remember this...he quit taking his meds for a week although the crisis person said this wouldn't have caused this. really? i think he was probably on edge all the time and a week of cold turkey killed him. cause once again i ran out of meds cause my doc. sent in the wrong rx to the pharmacy...and i'm pmsing...it is a deadly combo...going cold turkey on meds. can cause a serious crisis.

they should probably put that as a warning on prescription bottles...

why am i here AGAIN...???!

2011-03-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

i am soooo sick of this. once again, great day yesterday, livin' in the moment like eckhert tolle in a "new earth" says to do, but today, the big D. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N...i just don't get it...ok...to be fair...i don't think i've mentioned yet that my 8yo DD was just recently diagnosed with a serious eye disease that could cause her to go blind and is in fact the 3RD LEADING CAUSE OF BLINDNESS IN THE WORLD! and she is going through a regimen of steroid eye drops (7X a day, 3 different drops)and turns out she was a "steroid responder" and her eye pressure went through the ROOF (above 40. 20 and below is normal) and also is doing low-dose chemotherapy injections once a week. for those that are interested the diagnosis is Uveitis. i know...uve what? i had no idea...all those people that go blind for no reason...guess what? it was probably Uveitis.

anyway, i digress...i feel like i am going crazy...guess what came back as a result...my POSTPARTUM ANXIETY (PPA). not anything like after i had my son, but it definitely came back and i already used up all my klonopin...hmm...i give up~!

neighbors in the south SUCK!

2011-03-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

sorry southerners, but it's how i feel right now...know why? okay, here goes...a certain unnamed neighbor who is the gossip, the nosy one, the troublemaker, the involved, in everyone's business one, was building up resentment toward my 8yo daughter and i...why?...well, that's for another post cause it's too long to tell here...anyway, long story longer, my sweet newly adopted dog, bit her dog because her redneck foolish husband didn't bother to respond to my urgent requests to pick up his dog, pull his dog away, etc. etc. he had her at the end of a 20ft. long retractable leash (i hate those things...they are dangerous PEOPLE!) and my dog pulled away from me, bit his dog and he was being sooooooooo clueless (the husband not the dog...the dog is smartER than he is) I was the one who had to pick his dog up! his dog was fine, but they called animal control on us...even after i went over, said i would pay the vet bill, urged foolish husband to take said dog to vet knowing how foolish he was...okay, long story long again, they almost beat us up...literally!

southern charm should be known as southern-i'll-be-as-sweet-as-pie-to-your-face-and-talk-serious-shit-behind-your-back-and-give-you-a-hug-the-next-day-BLESS-YOUR-HEART!...coming from the west coast i wasn't aware that every time the above neighbor said "bless her heart" to me she was really saying "fuck you!"...well, BLESS YOUR HEART SOUTHERN NEIGHBOR...!

what is this???

2011-03-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Okay - maybe it's not postpartum anything, my son is 20 months old for godsakes...but i'm freakin out right now...my Rx ran out, no refills, went cold turkey for 3 days and i'm so dizzy and out of my mind i want to hurt someone (a certain neighbor in particular)and did i mention that i believe i am pms'ing...?

this sucks! for all you ppd mom's out there...i feel for you, i know it sucks for you too right now...just don't let your meds run out... it happens so easily because life is so busy and before you know it you have no meds, no refills and the doctor isn't returning the call....i am off to tarjay first thing in the a.m. before i hurt my neighbor, i mean someone...i mean my neighbor....i mean this doesn't count as incriminating evidence does it???!

some days i feel like i just can't do this...

2011-02-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

do you ever feel that way? i know i've mentioned i'm over ppd/ppa but how come i come to a moment where i am just done. i want to be done. i don't nor i can't do this anymore. have you ever felt that way? and this can be after you had a relatively normal day, your 8yo dd just had her bff stay overnite and they had a great time (for the most part) and your neighbor/friend/used-to-have-some-issues-with-not-sure-where-i-stand just left after a relatively fun time and you're done...

you're just done...can you relate???

A Road I've Been Down Before...

2011-01-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

Literally. Today I was driving on a highway (and in North Carolina a highway consists of a 2-lane highway and no lights at night through the country which makes for a completely harrowing experience) and it reminded me of my postpartum anxiety. I remember a day approx. 18 months ago when I forced myself to get out of the house and drive down this road...with my 6 year old daughter no less, praying to the driving gods that I wasn't going to end up in a horrible roadside accident. I had my little girl in the car for god-sakes! Now I'm sure at this point you're wondering why I would have my little girl in the car when I was worried I might crash the car? Because no one, not even your husband, knows how bad you are suffering from postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. I had to take my little girl to a birthday party and my husband had to stay home to watch the baby. Now, if I asked he would have taken my girl to the party, but I thought if I didn't FORCE myself outta the house, I would die a slow, torturous, anxiety-ridden death. I knew it was supposed to be good for me if I went.

It was extremely difficult to stay focused on the road and driving. My mind was all over the place and I just couldn't focus. And every time I realized that, I gripped the steering wheel that much tighter and forged ahead. I made it safely to the party and home again, but driving on that same road again tonight brought it all back...I even had tiny anxiety attacks just driving on that road tonight. And the entire time I was at the birthday party 18 months ago the anxiety was rolling over me in waves. I ended up telling all the Moms I was familiar with about it. Thankfully, one of them told me her story of when she was so full of postpartum anxiety she took a toothbrush to her tile floors to clean them because she was trying to expend the energy from the anxiety from her system.

I was deep in the throes of this anxiety and so panicky at that party. I was desperate. I kept talking to 3 moms telling them how I was feeling and realizing at the same time how inappropriate it was for me to be discussing this at a 6 year old beauty spa birthday party.

The drive home, although would give me some relief, was just as anxiety-ridden as the drive there. I was so afraid of crashing.

I was so glad when I made it home...don't remember anything thereafter...

But that road and the memories...I can't believe I (literally) made it out alive and am here today to talk about it. If anyone out there is reading this, please, please just know you are NOT alone. We are out there everywhere, talk to us, don't be embarassed, ashamed, whatever, just talk to us. We can help. I was actually at the birthday party tonight of the Mom that did the toothbrush thing. She made me feel 18 months ago that I could get through this.

And I guess I had to go down that road back then, like I had to today to get where I am now. Am I happy? Hmmm...right now tough question due to extenuating circumstances...but I know that I no longer have postpartum anything, which to me, means the world right now.

Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

2010-10-28T14:01:00.001-07:00

It is August 18, I am sitting on my rocking chair front porch and one year ago today I was sitting on this same front porch thinking I wanted to die. My 4 week, 4 day old baby was inside with my husband and daughter, and the anxiety was so immense, I just wanted to die. I knew what Postpartum Depression was, and I was very familiar with old regular depression as well as anxiety, but Postpartum Anxiety...I had no idea. Right now lightning is flashing in the distance...that's what reminded me...I'll never forget that Mom that didn't know what she was dropping in on when she came to my door to drop off diapers. Someone who didn't like me very much. And I broke down right in front of her. Well, what happened next could only happen in the South. I'm from the West Coast so I know. That Mom who didn't care for me very much grabbed 5 other Moms on the street, drug them into my house, and my bedroom, bypassing baby, dad, and daughter, grabbed a wet washcloth and started wiping my forehead. Consoling me. She knew. And that is the common bond. But, am I friends with her now? No, she has alienated herself on this block. I have come to believe that people in the South can hate you but save your life when you're in a pinch. Wish I could really know them instead. I don't want them just for the crisis. But if that's the only time I'll ever get them? I'll take it. And I remember that night a year ago clearly; glass of Sangria in my hand, my baby boy in his baby bjorn sleeping on my chest, I was in her backyard with the other Moms (I hadn't been out of the house prior to that) lightning in the distance, very common in the South, and I was saved. If only those women knew what they did for me...I don't think they'll ever really know.

new design...

2010-10-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

okay, i got sick of the depressing, dramatic black for my blog so decided to change it...whaddya think?

it's blog hop sunday!

2010-10-17T14:46:00.001-07:00

my dog has come back....!

2010-10-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

okay - last post about the dog, i promise. it's just that, well, i had 2 messages on my voicemail. yesterday, after checking the caller id i knew it was the vet. we had my dog cremated so i knew why they were calling and i just couldn't listen to the message yet. well, today it was them again, so i thought i'll just listen. i was right about the first message, winnie's remains were there and when i was ready i could come get them. well, the next message said "winnie's come back and you can pick her up when you're ready...!" it's a miracle! she's alive!!!

okay, needless to say she's not alive, and do i even have to mention that the first message was left by a woman and the second by a man...lol

at least it made me laugh...

my dog is gone...

2010-10-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

sorry about the really dramatic last post, but this one only gets worse...my winnie-girl or "wee wee girl" as my baby used to call her is gone...that song from Hall and Oates is playing in my head right now...all I can remember is "she's gone...la di da di da da da..." anyway, almost a bottle of wine later and this sucks...my best friend is gone..."oh where oh where has my little dog gone...?"...my daughter said Dog Heaven...

I have to kill my dog...

2010-10-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

okay - a little dramatic i know...but it's true. second dog too in the last six months. this sucks. my dog, winnie, has been with me, and then my family, for 12 years. she got cancer which was diagnosed three days before i was due with my baby boy (second child). needless to say i ended up being eight days late with him until i had everything settled with winnie...my dog. we got her chemo. yes, dog chemo. believe it or not but it's the same protocol they use on humans, only 1/10th of the dose. the vet actually said they believe they're overdoing it with humans. they said she would be in remission by her second treatment, out of five she would need, and they were shockingly right. my baby boy will soon be 16 months old. my dog has lived four months beyond the prediction of 6 to 12 months, 18 if you're lucky. she was 4 months extra lucky. things that can trigger my depression...? killing my dog...tomorrow.

Relapse PPD...???

2010-09-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as relapse postpartum depression? Ugh! Yesterday, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, not sleep mind you cause that wasn't happening, but bed, I was really depressed ALL day. And does it matter if I'm trying to figure out if it's a relapse of PPD or is it regular depression, or whatever? And I hate how my mind worries and becomes obsessed about these things when I'm depressed...this sucks.

what i hate about postpartum depression...

2010-09-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

or regular depression, or anxiety, or whatever the hell you call this never-ending cycle. what i hate is how suddenly, after many happy, good days, you wake up from a nap (yes, you DO deserve one i don't care who you are) and you are utterly, completely DEPRESSED... wtf! it really messes with my psyche when that happens...does this happen to anyone else out there???

Things That Can Trigger my depression...

2010-09-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

When a friend/neighbor de-friends me. Turns out she was addicted to pain pills, and wanted to quit. We developed a friendship over the course of a year. We both had PPD in common, only she had it the year prior and for a whole year. She had twins (still does)...Well, I feel like we had developed a great friendship only I realized partially because I overlooked her addiction. While I sat with her and had my glass of wine every night she popped her pills and we were 2 happy enablers. But I soon realized how serious her problem was. Especially cause she kept telling me I was the one with the problem. And she was lying to me all the time. She didn't think I knew...but of course I did. She lied to her husband all the time why did I think I was the exception. When she started hanging out with someone else who was even more vulnerable than me I realized it was cause I was the only one she had told her secret too and I was a reminder of that. Her husband didn't even know. Well, I know that I was hurting more than helping, so I confronted her and told her she had to tell her husband. It was the only way I knew how to get her help. In the end I got the hurt because she threw back at me all of our intimate discussions in a not so nice way...now we're just neighbors...and that I believe is what triggered my last bout of depression.

Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

2010-08-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Momma Momma....: Stacking My Blocks

2010-08-14T04:00:00.000-07:00

This post is from a blog I was reading and wanted to share this because it resonated with me...

Momma Momma....: Stacking My Blocks

Ahhhhhg....!

2010-08-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

Note: This was an earlier post from February of this year, I figured I wrote it might as well publish it:

Wasn't that what Charlie Brown always said...? O.K. I think I no longer have PPD for the most part (ironically enough my husband works for a company called PPD) gee no wonder I have it...Anyway, here's what's been going on.

My therapist thinks I have a drinking problem and that's why I've lost weight as well as my hair. Mind you, I had a baby 7 months ago, and if you're like the average Mom, you probably lost weight as well as your hair too postpartum...duh!! As my 7 year old would say. So she's seeing a therapist too for pulling her hair out (my 7 year old not the therapist), my husband is losing his job, my husband's dog is losing it's life, and it's likely that my dog will too in the next 5 months. And I'm at a loss for words....until next time...

What a difference a year makes....

2010-07-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am so much better than a year ago. My baby boy had his 1st birthday on June 14 and reflecting back on where I was a year ago it's shocking to me I felt that bad. But I shouldn't be shocked because it was incredibly real and so many Mom's are experiencing it every day. Some soon to be new Mom's don't realize what's going to hit them when I tell them I had PPD, and I don't do it to scare them but to prepare them just in case. I don't want any Mom to feel (especially a first time Mom) that something is wrong with them or that they are a bad person. PPD needs to be talked about more openly and regularly because it happens to so many of us yet not many of us or our families know how to deal with it. In my next post I will discuss what I did to make it here today.

Too Depressed, Then Better...

2009-11-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, while I was being too postpartum depressed to post, people were actually commenting on my blog. I kinda gave up on it cause I didn't think I was reaching anyone out there...but apparently I'm reaching a few...and that is my goal. If I can make sense to even one person out there than I have succeeded. I have always wanted to help people but you don't get paid enough to live to do it. So I will try through my blog...

I'm a lot better today than I was a few months ago...thanks for reading.

It's o.k. to be on meds....

2009-08-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Why is there such a taboo around taking medications for mental disorders? Especially for women? We as women are so hard on each other when making judgments of others? Taking an antidepressant for depression is no different then taking medication for cholesterol, or high blood pressure, or diabetes. Would you look funny at someone that said they were on meds. for diabetes? Would you imply to them that maybe they don't need them, that they just need to get out more, think happy thoughts or go exercise? Basically if the diabetic person didn't take their meds. they would end up dying. Well, guess what? Same thing would happen to a depressed person. There is NO SHAME in being on an antidepressant...so stop judging us.

The Lurker...

2009-08-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

that's what I'll call my persistent depression/anxiety. Every time I want to enjoy the moment, enjoy my new little boy, or my daughter, it's there lurking in my brain. I can't shake it...I've tried literally. I wish it would go away, but the more I try and wish it away the more I become aware of it. I know they say that which you resist only persists stronger, it's so hard not to resist it. They say to accept it, but how do you accept something that makes you so miserable and doubt yourself as a wife, mother, individual, and hate everything about yourself. I can't accept that! But I know that if I am going to get past this, I am going to have to try....

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

2009-07-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't written about the really scary episodes I had...maybe cause I'm fearful if I go back there I may not come back. Here is what it feels like:

you have intrusive irrational thoughts about everything
you feel agitated and fearful constantly
you feel like you would rather not be alive than feel like this
you feel isolated and lonely
you feel despair
you feel like this is never going to end
you feel like no one understands
you feel like a psycho
you feel like screaming so you do it in your head

The list goes on but I don't want to depress anyone else that may not be...

Flashback...to 2006

2009-07-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

Mom Tirade. Just got done screaming at the top of my lungs to my 4.5 year old. Feeling pretty crappy about it right now too. Is it her, is it me?? Is it the depression and anxiety…? (sounds like a song) WHAT IS IT?!! Now comes all the guilt with that and of course… more depression. I just want to go in my room right now, shut and lock the door, close all the blinds, and cry until I can’t anymore. And then I want to go in my hubby’s closet and take scissors to his favorite ties and shirts, but only make a tiny snip in them so he won’t be able to tell for a really long time, or because if I rip it to actual shreds he might think I’m crazy, cause this is ALL his fault, right…?! Oh, wait….but I already did that. You know what my husband called me “the psycho girlfriend” and I’m not, I am his wife…But as you Moms know, you can’t turn it off, you are always on. I can’t do that right now because I have a 4 year old. And she’s calling again, the interruptions are endless and frustrating..,.. I can never finish a complete thought, conversation, or sentence….ugh! I will get to the good stuff, but since this is about anxiety I have to start with the bad stuff first. I feel like I’m in a permanent bad mood.

sleeping through the night....

2009-07-25T07:55:00.001-07:00

Every new parent fantasizes about it...well, it happened last nite...at 5 weeks and 5 days. And night in this instance means from midnight to 5 a.m. We were shocked to say the least. And I'm not holding my breath that it will happen again tonite, cause newborns aren't supposed to do this until about 2+ months of age and some don't even do it until 9 mos...Sleep means everything right now with this postpartum. I'm feeling a little better this morning. I just wish I could shake the edgy fear factor I feel...cause it still makes me afraid of my baby, ambivalent towards him and towards becoming a Mom again. One thing I heard on that show "Obsessed" which I think is great (the show), is the therapist said those suffering from anxiety want a guarantee that things will be better, but there are no guarantees in life so we just keep looking for the guarantee and get more anxious when it doesn't happen. I keep looking for it but I know I just need to keep pushing forward, moment by moment...

who is that boy...?

2009-07-24T15:58:00.001-07:00

I was in what felt like a drug-induced sleep and my husband walked into the room with the baby....oh, he's still here? and I have to do something with him? could I be a worse Mom?! I got up nursed, changed a diaper, burped, all the newborn things you're supposed to do...maybe if I keep doing them (do I have a choice?!) they will start to feel normal and real and not like this is someone else's kid. I mean he is adorable, everyone keeps telling me so, why can't I just enjoy this....? Oh yeah, it's the Postpartum Anxiety dragging me down, making me feel like none of this is real, lowering my self-esteem, reducing me to someone I don't even recognize. Well, I've seen her before, but if my family read this they wouldn't recognize me.

The Dark Place

2009-07-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

Postpartum, 5 and a 1/2 weeks...last 2 weeks been to the dark place too many times to count. Here's what it looks like....I'm looking at my newborn baby and I'm wondering when his parents are going to come get him. He is only 8lbs. yet frightens me in a way I cannot describe...what am I supposed to do with him...???! Every time he starts to stir from sleep, I get on edge, I start freakin out....don't wake up, don't wake up...and then he does....and I take him and nurse him and change him and do all those newborn things you're supposed to do...I do it in a fog, but at least I do it. Then I pray he goes back to sleep...and then I feel like a failure because I feel this way...I hate myself, I'm ambivalent towards my baby, which makes me hate myself more, I'm irritated by my daughter, which makes me hate myself more...and the anxiety consistently washes over me like a wave in the ocean...as if you just laid down in the sand at the shore and let the waves come, that's what the anxiety does to me. This is what they call Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.

Flash Forward to today...

2009-07-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

The last post although written this year was describing an episode I had in my 30's. I'm now 41. And just had a baby 5 1/2 weeks ago...And the anxiety's back...Prior to this I struggled with depression but the anxiety had never come back. Until now. It shouldn't be called Postpartum Depression. It should be called Postpartum Anxiety. Who knows it probably is. But this feels like such a slap in the face after all these years of having not had it. The best way to describe the feeling this time when the anxiety is severe is you know that feeling you get when you have a close call on the freeway with another car. Your heart starts racing, there's a sinking feeling in your stomach, you're frightened and it takes a few minutes to calm down and realize that you didn't have an accident. Well, I feel like that most ALL the time. I can't even feel fatigued from the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn because the agitation from feeling like this all day prevents this from happening. Which also means I can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I want to shout out THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING! WHY ME! But I can't, I have a 6yo daughter and a husband who's been here with me before but I feel a need to show them I'm okay...even though the suffering gets unbearable. I want a magic pill, but after 3 of them no go...

The beginning...

2009-04-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Anxiety Why. Why? Why?! Why! Why does it always have to be like this. I hate this! This is not fun! Am I the only one going through this? I know sometimes it’s fun in a psycho kind of way to think you’re the only one going through this. Then YOU can be the only victim and the martyr and the one who has to do everything. We all know, misery loves company and that’s more fun than being miserable all by yourself. However, this is my story and I can tell it however I want to. My name is Zoloft Girl (for purposes of this Blog), I am 39 and I belong in a nuthouse. Why can’t anybody see that…? My life would be a lot better if someone would just commit me. Then I wouldn’t have to be responsible for myself or the way my family is turning out….or not turning out. I am not going to reveal at the beginning my ending. So you will have to read to the end to find out the beginning. It all started out so, well, normally. And average. And just so, whatever. But when it snuck up on me, wham, it whacked me up side the head and tore me to shreds. My favorite description…? It feels like someone has peeled back my skin, exposed my raw nerves, and took a big, fat feather and is running it ever so carefully across the exposed nerve endings. Another favorite description….? It’s that feeling you hope you never get when you are on a plane, that is taking too long to take off and you want to jump up, and run screaming through the aisles, arms flailing, “get me off this f%$#@ airplane!" You also don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. You know it’s yours, it looks like yours, but it doesn’t feel like yours and you wish it wasn’t. That’s where the journey began. Although, I believe a “journey” is usually something fun and exciting and you can’t wait to take and I would never wish this trip on my worst enemy. You feel like your body has betrayed you, that your mind has betrayed you, that your God has betrayed you. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, gets you at this point. Not even a little bit. Unless, of course, if they have taken the same journey. But what I have found is either everyone is in denial, is lying, or truly there are only 6 of us on the whole planet who have experienced this feeling. If more of us admitted it, I think it would make the rest of us feel “normal”. But, I digress….It’s really too bad too. We as women, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, could support each other in so many ways, yet we choose to be the strong one, the one with the perfect house, child, husband, family, job, career, marriage, etc. You know who you are. But I know you’re hurting. If you could/would just come to me and admit that, you not only would be helping me you would be helping yourself and the ripple effect of that, the potential is so huge. Right now what’s helping me??? My favorite wine glass with my favorite Chard in it. Yes, I have a special glass for my chardonnay wine and those of you judging me right now, don’t you drink your coffee/tea out of the same cup every morning, hmmmm?! I am always checking with my friends, with the next door neighbor, “do you have a glass of wine every night with dinner?” only I don’t stop at one and I would never ask, do you have a bottle of wine w/dinner all to yourself?! Who does that, right? Aggh! (I do…!)I just want to feel normal again, if only I could remember what that was, or is, or how.