Too Depressed, Then Better...

Okay, while I was being too postpartum depressed to post, people were actually commenting on my blog. I kinda gave up on it cause I didn't think I was reaching anyone out there...but apparently I'm reaching a few...and that is my goal. If I can make sense to even one person out there than I have succeeded. I have always wanted to help people but you don't get paid enough to live to do it. So I will try through my blog...

I'm a lot better today than I was a few months ago...thanks for reading.

It's o.k. to be on meds....

Why is there such a taboo around taking medications for mental disorders? Especially for women? We as women are so hard on each other when making judgments of others? Taking an antidepressant for depression is no different then taking medication for cholesterol, or high blood pressure, or diabetes. Would you look funny at someone that said they were on meds. for diabetes? Would you imply to them that maybe they don't need them, that they just need to get out more, think happy thoughts or go exercise? Basically if the diabetic person didn't take their meds. they would end up dying. Well, guess what? Same thing would happen to a depressed person. There is NO SHAME in being on an antidepressant...so stop judging us.

The Lurker...

that's what I'll call my persistent depression/anxiety. Every time I want to enjoy the moment, enjoy my new little boy, or my daughter, it's there lurking in my brain. I can't shake it...I've tried literally. I wish it would go away, but the more I try and wish it away the more I become aware of it. I know they say that which you resist only persists stronger, it's so hard not to resist it. They say to accept it, but how do you accept something that makes you so miserable and doubt yourself as a wife, mother, individual, and hate everything about yourself. I can't accept that! But I know that if I am going to get past this, I am going to have to try....

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

Well, I haven't written about the really scary episodes I had...maybe cause I'm fearful if I go back there I may not come back. Here is what it feels like:

• you have intrusive irrational thoughts about everything
  
• you feel agitated and fearful constantly
• you feel like you would rather not be alive than feel like this
• you feel isolated and lonely
• you feel despair
• you feel like this is never going to end
• you feel like no one understands
• you feel like a psycho
• you feel like screaming so you do it in your head

The list goes on but I don't want to depress anyone else that may not be...

Flashback...to 2006

Mom Tirade. Just got done screaming at the top of my lungs to my 4.5 year old. Feeling pretty crappy about it right now too. Is it her, is it me?? Is it the depression and anxiety…? (sounds like a song) WHAT IS IT?!! Now comes all the guilt with that and of course… more depression. I just want to go in my room right now, shut and lock the door, close all the blinds, and cry until I can’t anymore. And then I want to go in my hubby’s closet and take scissors to his favorite ties and shirts, but only make a tiny snip in them so he won’t be able to tell for a really long time, or because if I rip it to actual shreds he might think I’m crazy, cause this is ALL his fault, right…?! Oh, wait….but I already did that. You know what my husband called me “the psycho girlfriend” and I’m not, I am his wife…But as you Moms know, you can’t turn it off, you are always on. I can’t do that right now because I have a 4 year old. And she’s calling again, the interruptions are endless and frustrating..,.. I can never finish a complete thought, conversation, or sentence….ugh! I will get to the good stuff, but since this is about anxiety I have to start with the bad stuff first. I feel like I’m in a permanent bad mood.

sleeping through the night....

Every new parent fantasizes about it...well, it happened last nite...at 5 weeks and 5 days. And night in this instance means from midnight to 5 a.m. We were shocked to say the least. And I'm not holding my breath that it will happen again tonite, cause newborns aren't supposed to do this until about 2+ months of age and some don't even do it until 9 mos...Sleep means everything right now with this postpartum. I'm feeling a little better this morning. I just wish I could shake the edgy fear factor I feel...cause it still makes me afraid of my baby, ambivalent towards him and towards becoming a Mom again. One thing I heard on that show "Obsessed" which I think is great (the show), is the therapist said those suffering from anxiety want a guarantee that things will be better, but there are no guarantees in life so we just keep looking for the guarantee and get more anxious when it doesn't happen. I keep looking for it but I know I just need to keep pushing forward, moment by moment...

who is that boy...?

I was in what felt like a drug-induced sleep and my husband walked into the room with the baby....oh, he's still here? and I have to do something with him? could I be a worse Mom?! I got up nursed, changed a diaper, burped, all the newborn things you're supposed to do...maybe if I keep doing them (do I have a choice?!) they will start to feel normal and real and not like this is someone else's kid. I mean he is adorable, everyone keeps telling me so, why can't I just enjoy this....? Oh yeah, it's the Postpartum Anxiety dragging me down, making me feel like none of this is real, lowering my self-esteem, reducing me to someone I don't even recognize. Well, I've seen her before, but if my family read this they wouldn't recognize me.

The Dark Place

Postpartum, 5 and a 1/2 weeks...last 2 weeks been to the dark place too many times to count. Here's what it looks like....I'm looking at my newborn baby and I'm wondering when his parents are going to come get him. He is only 8lbs. yet frightens me in a way I cannot describe...what am I supposed to do with him...???! Every time he starts to stir from sleep, I get on edge, I start freakin out....don't wake up, don't wake up...and then he does....and I take him and nurse him and change him and do all those newborn things you're supposed to do...I do it in a fog, but at least I do it. Then I pray he goes back to sleep...and then I feel like a failure because I feel this way...I hate myself, I'm ambivalent towards my baby, which makes me hate myself more, I'm irritated by my daughter, which makes me hate myself more...and the anxiety consistently washes over me like a wave in the ocean...as if you just laid down in the sand at the shore and let the waves come, that's what the anxiety does to me. This is what they call Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.

Flash Forward to today...

The last post although written this year was describing an episode I had in my 30's. I'm now 41. And just had a baby 5 1/2 weeks ago...And the anxiety's back...Prior to this I struggled with depression but the anxiety had never come back. Until now. It shouldn't be called Postpartum Depression. It should be called Postpartum Anxiety. Who knows it probably is. But this feels like such a slap in the face after all these years of having not had it. The best way to describe the feeling this time when the anxiety is severe is you know that feeling you get when you have a close call on the freeway with another car. Your heart starts racing, there's a sinking feeling in your stomach, you're frightened and it takes a few minutes to calm down and realize that you didn't have an accident. Well, I feel like that most ALL the time. I can't even feel fatigued from the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn because the agitation from feeling like this all day prevents this from happening. Which also means I can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I want to shout out THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING! WHY ME! But I can't, I have a 6yo daughter and a husband who's been here with me before but I feel a need to show them I'm okay...even though the suffering gets unbearable. I want a magic pill, but after 3 of them no go...

The beginning...

Anxiety Why. Why? Why?! Why! Why does it always have to be like this. I hate this! This is not fun! Am I the only one going through this? I know sometimes it’s fun in a psycho kind of way to think you’re the only one going through this. Then YOU can be the only victim and the martyr and the one who has to do everything. We all know, misery loves company and that’s more fun than being miserable all by yourself. However, this is my story and I can tell it however I want to. My name is Zoloft Girl (for purposes of this Blog), I am 39 and I belong in a nuthouse. Why can’t anybody see that…? My life would be a lot better if someone would just commit me. Then I wouldn’t have to be responsible for myself or the way my family is turning out….or not turning out. I am not going to reveal at the beginning my ending. So you will have to read to the end to find out the beginning. It all started out so, well, normally. And average. And just so, whatever. But when it snuck up on me, wham, it whacked me up side the head and tore me to shreds. My favorite description…? It feels like someone has peeled back my skin, exposed my raw nerves, and took a big, fat feather and is running it ever so carefully across the exposed nerve endings. Another favorite description….? It’s that feeling you hope you never get when you are on a plane, that is taking too long to take off and you want to jump up, and run screaming through the aisles, arms flailing, “get me off this f%$#@ airplane!" You also don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. You know it’s yours, it looks like yours, but it doesn’t feel like yours and you wish it wasn’t. That’s where the journey began. Although, I believe a “journey” is usually something fun and exciting and you can’t wait to take and I would never wish this trip on my worst enemy. You feel like your body has betrayed you, that your mind has betrayed you, that your God has betrayed you. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, gets you at this point. Not even a little bit. Unless, of course, if they have taken the same journey. But what I have found is either everyone is in denial, is lying, or truly there are only 6 of us on the whole planet who have experienced this feeling. If more of us admitted it, I think it would make the rest of us feel “normal”. But, I digress….It’s really too bad too. We as women, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, could support each other in so many ways, yet we choose to be the strong one, the one with the perfect house, child, husband, family, job, career, marriage, etc. You know who you are. But I know you’re hurting. If you could/would just come to me and admit that, you not only would be helping me you would be helping yourself and the ripple effect of that, the potential is so huge. Right now what’s helping me??? My favorite wine glass with my favorite Chard in it. Yes, I have a special glass for my chardonnay wine and those of you judging me right now, don’t you drink your coffee/tea out of the same cup every morning, hmmmm?! I am always checking with my friends, with the next door neighbor, “do you have a glass of wine every night with dinner?” only I don’t stop at one and I would never ask, do you have a bottle of wine w/dinner all to yourself?! Who does that, right? Aggh! (I do…!)I just want to feel normal again, if only I could remember what that was, or is, or how.