Can't Stop Now...(old 2010 post)

Ya know, every time I think of giving up on this blog, cause I'm just not sure I should be airing my dirty laundry to the world, I get comments like the last post.  It cracked me up.  So, I continue.  Funny thing is, now that I'm feeling better, I can't figure out what to write.  When I was depressed I could go deeper.  Now that I'm better I don't know if I have anything important to share.  Does that sound crazy?

helpless...

some days, do you just feel helpless? hopeless, helpless, lost? that was soooo me today.  and it's hard.  you feel like a bad parent when this is happening, you feel like a bad mom (i know same thing, but in this case i am doing both jobs) and a bad person.  and you just want someone to save you.  but the only person that can save you from this, is, well....you.  which sucks.  cause you can't do that right now.

hopeless, hapless, helpless...me

i know what i need to do...

i woke up this morning knowing what i need to do. have you ever had that clarity where you went from confusion and chaos and then one morning you wake up and you just know.

you see i am going through a an ugly, painful divorce right now.  the man that didn't support me through any of my depression and anxiety and none of my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, is also a verbally abusive man.

the thing is, i didn't know it.  i so desperately wanted him to understand and show empathy.  he never did and he never could.  i have paid for it dearly.  i may not have bumps and bruises on the outside to show proof to the world, but you can bet my scars run deep on the inside.  i used to wish he would just hit me so i could prove to others what i had discovered deep down inside.

the time when he would show me the least concern? when i was sick.  including my PPD and PPA sessions.

i thought he just didn't understand.  the thing is, he didn't even want to try and understand.  and i was too lost in it to try and explain to him what was going on.

and what is it i need to do?  take control back of my life.  it starts today. it starts here. it starts now.