Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

It is August 18, I am sitting on my rocking chair front porch and one year ago today I was sitting on this same front porch thinking I wanted to die.  My 4 week, 4 day old baby was inside with my husband and daughter, and the anxiety was so immense, I just wanted to die.  I knew what Postpartum Depression was, and I was very familiar with old regular depression as well as anxiety, but Postpartum Anxiety...I had no idea.  Right now lightning is flashing in the distance...that's what reminded me...I'll never forget that Mom that didn't know what she was dropping in on when she came to my door to drop off diapers.  Someone who didn't like me very much.  And I broke down right in front of her.  Well, what happened next could only happen in the South.  I'm from the West Coast so I know. That Mom who didn't care for me very much grabbed 5 other Moms on the street, drug them into my house, and my bedroom, bypassing baby, dad, and daughter, grabbed a wet washcloth and started wiping my forehead.  Consoling me.  She knew.  And that is the common bond.  But, am I friends with her now?  No, she has alienated herself on this block.  I have come to believe that people in the South can hate you but save your life when you're in a pinch.  Wish I could really know them instead.  I don't want them just for the crisis.  But if that's the only time I'll ever get them? I'll take it.  And I remember that night a year ago clearly; glass of Sangria in my hand, my baby boy in his baby bjorn sleeping on my chest, I was in her backyard with the other Moms (I hadn't been out of the house prior to that) lightning in the distance, very common in the South, and I was saved.  If only those women knew what they did for me...I don't think they'll ever really know.

new design...

okay, i got sick of the depressing, dramatic black for my blog so decided to change it...whaddya think?

it's blog hop sunday!

my dog has come back....!

okay - last post about the dog, i promise.  it's just that, well, i had 2 messages on my voicemail.  yesterday, after checking the caller id i knew it was the vet.  we had my dog cremated so i knew why they were calling and i just couldn't listen to the message yet.  well, today it was them again, so i thought i'll just listen.  i was right about the first message, winnie's remains were there and when i was ready i could come get them.  well, the next message said "winnie's come back and you can pick her up when you're ready...!" it's a miracle!  she's alive!!!

okay, needless to say she's not alive, and do i even have to mention that the first message was left by a woman and the second by a man...lol

 at least it made me laugh...

my dog is gone...

sorry about the really dramatic last post, but this one only gets worse...my winnie-girl or "wee wee girl" as my baby used to call her is gone...that song from Hall and Oates is playing in my head right now...all I can remember is "she's gone...la di da di da da da..." anyway, almost a bottle of wine later and this sucks...my best friend is gone..."oh where oh where has my little dog gone...?"...my daughter said Dog Heaven...

I have to kill my dog...

okay - a little dramatic i know...but it's true.  second dog too in the last six months.  this sucks.  my dog, winnie, has been with me, and then my family, for 12 years.  she got cancer which was diagnosed three days before i was due with my baby boy (second child).  needless to say i ended up being eight days late with him until i had everything settled with winnie...my dog.  we got her chemo.  yes, dog chemo.  believe it or not but it's the same protocol they use on humans, only 1/10th of the dose.  the vet actually said they believe they're overdoing it with humans.  they said she would be in remission by her second treatment, out of five she would need, and they were shockingly right.  my baby boy will soon be 16 months old.  my dog has lived four months beyond the prediction of 6 to 12 months, 18 if you're lucky.  she was 4 months extra lucky.  things that can trigger my depression...? killing my dog...tomorrow.

Relapse PPD...???

Is there such a thing as relapse postpartum depression?  Ugh! Yesterday, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, not sleep mind you cause that wasn't happening, but bed, I was really depressed ALL day.  And does it matter if I'm trying to figure out if it's a relapse of PPD or is it regular depression, or whatever?  And I hate how my mind worries and becomes obsessed about these things when I'm depressed...this sucks.

what i hate about postpartum depression...

or regular depression, or anxiety, or whatever the hell you call this never-ending cycle.  what i hate is how suddenly, after many happy, good days, you wake up from a nap (yes, you DO deserve one i don't care who you are) and you are utterly, completely DEPRESSED... wtf! it really messes with my psyche when that happens...does this happen to anyone else out there???

Things That Can Trigger my depression...

When a friend/neighbor de-friends me.  Turns out she was addicted to pain pills, and wanted to quit.  We developed a friendship over the course of a year.  We both had PPD in common, only she had it the year prior and for a whole year.  She had twins (still does)...Well, I feel like we had developed a great friendship only I realized partially because I overlooked her addiction.  While I sat with her and had my glass of wine every night she popped her pills and we were 2 happy enablers.  But I soon realized how serious her problem was.  Especially cause she kept telling me I was the one with the problem.  And she was lying to me all the time.  She didn't think I knew...but of course I did.  She lied to her husband all the time why did I think I was the exception.  When she started hanging out with someone else who was even more vulnerable than me I realized it was cause I was the only one she had told her secret too and I was a reminder of that.  Her husband didn't even know.  Well, I know that I was hurting more than helping, so I confronted her and told her she had to tell her husband.  It was the only way I knew how to get her help.  In the end I got the hurt because she threw back at me all of our intimate discussions in a not so nice way...now we're just neighbors...and that I believe is what triggered my last bout of depression.

Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

It is August 18, I am sitting on my rocking chair front porch and one year ago today I was sitting on this same front porch thinking I wanted to die.  My 4 week, 4 day old baby was inside with my husband and daughter, and the anxiety was so immense, I just wanted to die.  I knew what Postpartum Depression was, and I was very familiar with old regular depression as well as anxiety, but Postpartum Anxiety...I had no idea.  Right now lightning is flashing in the distance...that's what reminded me...I'll never forget that Mom that didn't know what she was dropping in on when she came to my door to drop off diapers.  Someone who didn't like me very much.  And I broke down right in front of her.  Well, what happened next could only happen in the South.  I'm from the West Coast so I know. That Mom who didn't care for me very much grabbed 5 other Moms on the street, drug them into my house, and my bedroom, bypassing baby, dad, and daughter, grabbed a wet washcloth and started wiping my forehead.  Consoling me.  She knew.  And that is the common bond.  But, am I friends with her now?  No, she has alienated herself on this block.  I have come to believe that people in the South can hate you but save your life when you're in a pinch.  Wish I could really know them instead.  I don't want them just for the crisis.  But if that's the only time I'll ever get them? I'll take it.  And I remember that night a year ago clearly; glass of Sangria in my hand, my baby boy in his baby bjorn sleeping on my chest, I was in her backyard with the other Moms (I hadn't been out of the house prior to that) lightning in the distance, very common in the South, and I was saved.  If only those women knew what they did for me...I don't think they'll ever really know.

Momma Momma....: Stacking My Blocks

This post is from a blog I was reading and wanted to share this because it resonated with me...

Momma Momma....: Stacking My Blocks

Ahhhhhg....!

Note: This was an earlier post from February of this year, I figured I wrote it might as well publish it: 

Wasn't that what Charlie Brown always said...? O.K. I think I no longer have PPD for the most part (ironically enough my husband works for a company called PPD) gee no wonder I have it...Anyway, here's what's been going on.

My therapist thinks I have a drinking problem and that's why I've lost weight as well as my hair. Mind you, I had a baby 7 months ago, and if you're like the average Mom, you probably lost weight as well as your hair too postpartum...duh!! As my 7 year old would say. So she's seeing a therapist too for pulling her hair out (my 7 year old not the therapist), my husband is losing his job, my husband's dog is losing it's life, and it's likely that my dog will too in the next 5 months. And I'm at a loss for words....until next time...

What a difference a year makes....

I am so much better than a year ago.  My baby boy had his 1st birthday on June 14 and reflecting back on where I was a year ago it's shocking to me I felt that bad.  But I shouldn't be shocked because it was incredibly real and so many Mom's are experiencing it every day.  Some soon to be new Mom's don't realize what's going to hit them when I tell them I had PPD, and I don't do it to scare them but to prepare them just in case.  I don't want any Mom to feel (especially a first time Mom) that something is wrong with them or that they are a bad person.  PPD needs to be talked about more openly and regularly because it happens to so many of us yet not many of us or our families know how to deal with it.  In my next post I will discuss what I did to make it here today.