A Road I've Been Down Before...

Literally. Today I was driving on a highway (and in North Carolina a highway consists of a 2-lane highway and no lights at night through the country which makes for a completely harrowing experience) and it reminded me of my postpartum anxiety. I remember a day approx. 18 months ago when I forced myself to get out of the house and drive down this road...with my 6 year old daughter no less, praying to the driving gods that I wasn't going to end up in a horrible roadside accident. I had my little girl in the car for god-sakes! Now I'm sure at this point you're wondering why I would have my little girl in the car when I was worried I might crash the car? Because no one, not even your husband, knows how bad you are suffering from postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. I had to take my little girl to a birthday party and my husband had to stay home to watch the baby. Now, if I asked he would have taken my girl to the party, but I thought if I didn't FORCE myself outta the house, I would die a slow, torturous, anxiety-ridden death. I knew it was supposed to be good for me if I went.

It was extremely difficult to stay focused on the road and driving. My mind was all over the place and I just couldn't focus. And every time I realized that, I gripped the steering wheel that much tighter and forged ahead. I made it safely to the party and home again, but driving on that same road again tonight brought it all back...I even had tiny anxiety attacks just driving on that road tonight. And the entire time I was at the birthday party 18 months ago the anxiety was rolling over me in waves. I ended up telling all the Moms I was familiar with about it. Thankfully, one of them told me her story of when she was so full of postpartum anxiety she took a toothbrush to her tile floors to clean them because she was trying to expend the energy from the anxiety from her system.

I was deep in the throes of this anxiety and so panicky at that party. I was desperate. I kept talking to 3 moms telling them how I was feeling and realizing at the same time how inappropriate it was for me to be discussing this at a 6 year old beauty spa birthday party.

The drive home, although would give me some relief, was just as anxiety-ridden as the drive there. I was so afraid of crashing.

I was so glad when I made it home...don't remember anything thereafter...

But that road and the memories...I can't believe I (literally) made it out alive and am here today to talk about it. If anyone out there is reading this, please, please just know you are NOT alone. We are out there everywhere, talk to us, don't be embarassed, ashamed, whatever, just talk to us. We can help. I was actually at the birthday party tonight of the Mom that did the toothbrush thing. She made me feel 18 months ago that I could get through this.

And I guess I had to go down that road back then, like I had to today to get where I am now. Am I happy? Hmmm...right now tough question due to extenuating circumstances...but I know that I no longer have postpartum anything, which to me, means the world right now.

Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

It is August 18, I am sitting on my rocking chair front porch and one year ago today I was sitting on this same front porch thinking I wanted to die.  My 4 week, 4 day old baby was inside with my husband and daughter, and the anxiety was so immense, I just wanted to die.  I knew what Postpartum Depression was, and I was very familiar with old regular depression as well as anxiety, but Postpartum Anxiety...I had no idea.  Right now lightning is flashing in the distance...that's what reminded me...I'll never forget that Mom that didn't know what she was dropping in on when she came to my door to drop off diapers.  Someone who didn't like me very much.  And I broke down right in front of her.  Well, what happened next could only happen in the South.  I'm from the West Coast so I know. That Mom who didn't care for me very much grabbed 5 other Moms on the street, drug them into my house, and my bedroom, bypassing baby, dad, and daughter, grabbed a wet washcloth and started wiping my forehead.  Consoling me.  She knew.  And that is the common bond.  But, am I friends with her now?  No, she has alienated herself on this block.  I have come to believe that people in the South can hate you but save your life when you're in a pinch.  Wish I could really know them instead.  I don't want them just for the crisis.  But if that's the only time I'll ever get them? I'll take it.  And I remember that night a year ago clearly; glass of Sangria in my hand, my baby boy in his baby bjorn sleeping on my chest, I was in her backyard with the other Moms (I hadn't been out of the house prior to that) lightning in the distance, very common in the South, and I was saved.  If only those women knew what they did for me...I don't think they'll ever really know.

new design...

okay, i got sick of the depressing, dramatic black for my blog so decided to change it...whaddya think?

it's blog hop sunday!

my dog has come back....!

okay - last post about the dog, i promise.  it's just that, well, i had 2 messages on my voicemail.  yesterday, after checking the caller id i knew it was the vet.  we had my dog cremated so i knew why they were calling and i just couldn't listen to the message yet.  well, today it was them again, so i thought i'll just listen.  i was right about the first message, winnie's remains were there and when i was ready i could come get them.  well, the next message said "winnie's come back and you can pick her up when you're ready...!" it's a miracle!  she's alive!!!

okay, needless to say she's not alive, and do i even have to mention that the first message was left by a woman and the second by a man...lol

 at least it made me laugh...

my dog is gone...

sorry about the really dramatic last post, but this one only gets worse...my winnie-girl or "wee wee girl" as my baby used to call her is gone...that song from Hall and Oates is playing in my head right now...all I can remember is "she's gone...la di da di da da da..." anyway, almost a bottle of wine later and this sucks...my best friend is gone..."oh where oh where has my little dog gone...?"...my daughter said Dog Heaven...

I have to kill my dog...

okay - a little dramatic i know...but it's true.  second dog too in the last six months.  this sucks.  my dog, winnie, has been with me, and then my family, for 12 years.  she got cancer which was diagnosed three days before i was due with my baby boy (second child).  needless to say i ended up being eight days late with him until i had everything settled with winnie...my dog.  we got her chemo.  yes, dog chemo.  believe it or not but it's the same protocol they use on humans, only 1/10th of the dose.  the vet actually said they believe they're overdoing it with humans.  they said she would be in remission by her second treatment, out of five she would need, and they were shockingly right.  my baby boy will soon be 16 months old.  my dog has lived four months beyond the prediction of 6 to 12 months, 18 if you're lucky.  she was 4 months extra lucky.  things that can trigger my depression...? killing my dog...tomorrow.

Relapse PPD...???

Is there such a thing as relapse postpartum depression?  Ugh! Yesterday, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, not sleep mind you cause that wasn't happening, but bed, I was really depressed ALL day.  And does it matter if I'm trying to figure out if it's a relapse of PPD or is it regular depression, or whatever?  And I hate how my mind worries and becomes obsessed about these things when I'm depressed...this sucks.

what i hate about postpartum depression...

or regular depression, or anxiety, or whatever the hell you call this never-ending cycle.  what i hate is how suddenly, after many happy, good days, you wake up from a nap (yes, you DO deserve one i don't care who you are) and you are utterly, completely DEPRESSED... wtf! it really messes with my psyche when that happens...does this happen to anyone else out there???

Things That Can Trigger my depression...

When a friend/neighbor de-friends me.  Turns out she was addicted to pain pills, and wanted to quit.  We developed a friendship over the course of a year.  We both had PPD in common, only she had it the year prior and for a whole year.  She had twins (still does)...Well, I feel like we had developed a great friendship only I realized partially because I overlooked her addiction.  While I sat with her and had my glass of wine every night she popped her pills and we were 2 happy enablers.  But I soon realized how serious her problem was.  Especially cause she kept telling me I was the one with the problem.  And she was lying to me all the time.  She didn't think I knew...but of course I did.  She lied to her husband all the time why did I think I was the exception.  When she started hanging out with someone else who was even more vulnerable than me I realized it was cause I was the only one she had told her secret too and I was a reminder of that.  Her husband didn't even know.  Well, I know that I was hurting more than helping, so I confronted her and told her she had to tell her husband.  It was the only way I knew how to get her help.  In the end I got the hurt because she threw back at me all of our intimate discussions in a not so nice way...now we're just neighbors...and that I believe is what triggered my last bout of depression.