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You Can Survive Postpartum Depression...and Divorce and other Crappy Stuff!

Okay...today is different.  Not sure why (well I kinda know but due to the divorce can't say) but I feel stronger.  Or should I say I am starting to finally feel some strength.  It's been a long time coming..I have felt weak for so long.

I know most of this won't make sense...I just felt a need to get this on paper...or rather blog...lol.  I survived Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety.  My son's third birthday in June marked the anniversary of the day my Postpartum Anxiety started to rear it's ugly monstrous head.

How long did that monster stay around?  Almost for a fucking year!  I know it sounds awful, not doable, not survivable.  But guess what?  Three years later I am still here today.  And you know what? I am going through an ugly, sucky, miserable divorce right now (from the husband who so didn't get the whole Postpartum Anxiety thing).  Thus the divorce...well, obviously way more than that but it stands to reason why things ended up the way they did.

Anyway, this divorce is workin' my last nerve on so many levels.  Some days it seems not doable, not survivable, so awful.  And I am just making the connection now...go figure.  There was a reason I felt compelled to write this down.  That if I could survive the deep, dark depths of Postpartum Anxiety, may be why I am surviving this...

Someone told me the other day that going through his divorce is actually more painful then losing his mother. And I kept thinking that, but didn't want to voice it out loud.  It made me feel so incredibly guilty to think it because that was one of the most painful experiences that occurred 23 years ago and I am still feeling the repercussions of it.

Interestingly enough, I actually think Postpartum Anxiety was worse then what I am going through now.  So guess fucking what?

If I survived that, I can so certainly survive this!  Abso-fucking-lutely!

AND YOU CAN SO SURVIVE YOUR POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!!!

Just Do the Opposite...!

I came across this great blog a while back about Zen habits...never thought long or hard about this subject, which I guess is the whole point, but I really LIKE this guy.  So I am stealing his stuff...don't worry he said I could.

Onto Do the Opposite!

Post written by Leo Babauta.

Before I learned how to change habits, I was stuck. I kept trying to change various habits — running, eating healthier, waking earlier, getting out of debt, ending procrastination — and I kept failing.

I got very good at failing, in fact.

Looking back on those days, given the power of retrospect, I now know that I did everything wrong. I was setting myself up for failure, and in failing often and not learning from those mistakes, I was learning to be good at failing. Failing became my habit.

And while I’m actually a fan of failing as a method for learning how to get better at something quickly, if you’re not learning from your failures, it’s not as useful. So in that spirit, I’d like to share what I’ve learned from my failures so that you might glean some useful information from my suffering.

How to Fail at Habits

I failed at creating new habits repeatedly. Here’s what I did, and what most people also do:

1. Take on multiple habits at once. We have lots of things we want to change, so we try to change them all at once. Of course, this spreads our focus and energy thin, so that we can’t give our entire focus to any one habit. Habits are hard to change, and spreading yourself thin is a good way to make sure you fail.
2. Bite off more than you can chew. Whether you do one habit or many at a time, try to do as much with each habit as possible, so that it takes up a lot of energy and seems really hard. Don’t run for 5 minutes, try doing 30. That way it’ll be a big chunk of your day that will get pushed to tomorrow when other urgent things come up, it will take a lot of your physical and mental energy, and it’ll be something you dread doing because it’s so difficult. Don’t meditate for 5 minutes, meditate for 60. Do 90 minutes of yoga. Change your entire diet all at once. These are excellent ways to fail.
3. Tackle habits you don’t enjoy. Because habits should be something you do for moral reasons — they’re good for you! And so it doesn’t matter if you hate them, and if you dread doing them after awhile, because you’re going to be disciplined. That works extremely seldomly, so it’s a great strategy.
4. Keep it a secret. Don’t tell anyone you’re changing your habit. That way, if you mess up, it won’t be embarrassing. This means that you secretly think you’re going to mess up, which is another excellent way to fail.
5. Jump right into it. Decide today to start running, and just do it! This way you are treating it as if it’s nothing, and not a big commitment. You don’t plan for obstacles, don’t set up a support system, don’t give yourself rewards, and treat the habit change as lightly as you do putting on your socks. And when you quit doing the habit, it will be no problem either.
6. Don’t worry about how others have succeeded. Why read the success stories of other people? You know better than them. You can do it without learning from them. That’s what I used to think, at least.
7. Don’t motivate yourself. You don’t need motivation if you have discipline. Discipline is something you have or don’t have, but motivation is something you can actually do.
8. Give yourself plenty of opportunities to give up. Trying to eat healthy? Have your cupboards and fridge filled with junk food, and have it surround you at work, and go to restaurants filled with fried foods and sugary sweets. You’ll definitely have the discipline to ignore those.

The eight steps above are a sure-fire recipe for habit failure, and I recommend you try all of them if you’re looking to fail. Of course, if you’re looking to succeed, you might want to avoid them and possibly try the opposite.

 ( I like him too much to steal...:)

Uh...Al-anon...Really?

Okay - what does the title have to do with Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Anxiety?  Nothing.  At first glance.  Read on and maybe something might resonate if you grew up or are currently living with a drinker in your life.

At my therapists urging I attended my first Al-Anon meeting today.  Al-Anon is for people who grew up with loved ones who are alcoholics.  I thought she was going to urge me to go to A.A. at first.  Read prior entries about my concern about my drinking.

It took 5 mentions over the course of half a year before the 5th time her recommendation registered.

All I can say...well first I have to say to my therapist ... "THANK YOU!!!"

And second...I found my new family...I have to work right now, so I need to leave it at that, but I just needed to capture something from a meeting I attended that has opened a whole new door for me in my journey of this so called life.

It was incredibly powerful, unbelievable and indescribable what came to the surface in that meeting.

Sorry to leave you hanging...I guess really I am just still speechless...but once it sinks in I will be speechless no more.

Keep on keeping on...:)

Smoking and Your Health

There is one thing in life that most of us take for granted and that would be our health.  It’s when we are in poor health that we realize how important it is to try and get back to good again.  It’s important to live a healthy lifestyle so that you can be your best not only because you owe it to yourself, but you owe it to your kids and family as well.  They need you.

One way to stay healthy is to walk.  Even if you only have the time to walk around the block for 15-20 minutes at least three times a week, you will be better off for it.

Another extremely healthy thing you can do for yourself is quitting smoking if you are a smoker.

Do you know that every eight seconds someone dies from a smoking-related illness?  That’s a huge number, and you don’t want to become part of that statistic.

The good news is the sooner you quit the better off you'll be because your lungs have the capacity to regenerate themselves and get rid of any toxins as a result of smoking.  You will also add years on back to your life because smoking on average cuts your life expectancy by 13 years.  That’s a lot of years to lose just over a cigarette.

Can't Stop Now...(old 2010 post)

Ya know, every time I think of giving up on this blog, cause I'm just not sure I should be airing my dirty laundry to the world, I get comments like the last post.  It cracked me up.  So, I continue.  Funny thing is, now that I'm feeling better, I can't figure out what to write.  When I was depressed I could go deeper.  Now that I'm better I don't know if I have anything important to share.  Does that sound crazy?

helpless...

some days, do you just feel helpless? hopeless, helpless, lost? that was soooo me today.  and it's hard.  you feel like a bad parent when this is happening, you feel like a bad mom (i know same thing, but in this case i am doing both jobs) and a bad person.  and you just want someone to save you.  but the only person that can save you from this, is, well....you.  which sucks.  cause you can't do that right now.

hopeless, hapless, helpless...me

i know what i need to do...

i woke up this morning knowing what i need to do. have you ever had that clarity where you went from confusion and chaos and then one morning you wake up and you just know.

you see i am going through a an ugly, painful divorce right now.  the man that didn't support me through any of my depression and anxiety and none of my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, is also a verbally abusive man.

the thing is, i didn't know it.  i so desperately wanted him to understand and show empathy.  he never did and he never could.  i have paid for it dearly.  i may not have bumps and bruises on the outside to show proof to the world, but you can bet my scars run deep on the inside.  i used to wish he would just hit me so i could prove to others what i had discovered deep down inside.

the time when he would show me the least concern? when i was sick.  including my PPD and PPA sessions.

i thought he just didn't understand.  the thing is, he didn't even want to try and understand.  and i was too lost in it to try and explain to him what was going on.

and what is it i need to do?  take control back of my life.  it starts today. it starts here. it starts now.

Gwyneth Paltrow on post-partum depression: I felt like a zombie - 04/27/2012 | Entertainment News from OnTheRedCarpet.com

Gwyneth Paltrow on post-partum depression: I felt like a zombie - 04/27/2012 | Entertainment News from OnTheRedCarpet.com

I thought this was definitely worthy of a read...Val

Postpartum Depression for My Mom...

I was sitting here thinking...I have a pic. of my Mom when she was probably in her 20's, happy, smiling, dancing with some hot Latino, and it made me question...did she go through postpartum anxiety and depression with my sister and I?  And why haven't I thought about that until now?

I know that I have been selfish in thinking that I so-wish-to-God that she could have been with me through the birth of my two children, as well as the Postpartum anxiety that followed...and almost put me in a mental hospital, and a grave.  But I never really thought about what she went through.

I am 44 so in my Mom's day they didn't have anti-depressants to take.  If she did have PPD or PPA did she know it?  Or did she just think she was crazy?  Did she tell anyone...like my Dad? Her Friends?  Did she have a Circle of Moms that she could go to to get advice and commiserate?

Speaking of crazy...my Dad reminded me that back in my Mom's day they really did lock women up in mental hospitals which I am sure was a result of Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety...

And to think I was going to check myself into a mental hospital just like back in the day.  I am on meds. I had a little bit of support, I called my doc. when it was really bad.  You want to know what he said???

Since it was the weekend he told me if I seriously thought about harming myself, I needed to go to the ER...Huh!  Like I was at a point where I could make any logical decision at all.  I would have rather harmed myself then think I could make it to the ER.

A neighbor actually saved the day.  Read my post about "Southern Neighbors" to see what happened.

And it all comes back full circle doesn't it.  Women with PPD for the first time think they are crazy.  Women like myself who have experienced depression and anxiety at some point in their lives still think they are crazy when the PPD/PPA fog shrouds them in darkness.  Women think other women are weak who are experiencing PPD.

I would not wish this malady on my worst enemy.  So much more needs to be done on this issue.

We need more resources.  We need more awareness.  We need more understanding.  We need something more...