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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Postpartum Depression Anxiety...What I Looked Forward To At The End of the Day...

When I was in the midst of my Postpartum Anxiety you want to know what I looked forward to at the end of the day? Was it my newborn baby boy? No! I was deathly afraid of him! Was it my beautiful 6 year old daughter? That whole year of her life is a blur to me. Was it my husband? No way, I felt that not only did he not know how to support me through it (I know that's not fair but I have supporting evidence) he was contributing to it. So here goes nothing...

A glass of wine. And not any glass of wine but a good oaky Chardonnay that I couldn't afford. So since I couldn't afford it I had to settle for a lesser, cheaper version of the original. But it worked. It was medicine to my soul. At least then. The American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Drugs classifies alcohol (ethanol) as a “Maternal Medication Usually Compatible With Breastfeeding.” A medication...and didn't I say it was like medicine to my soul. If only I didn't do it every day. And only if I didn't have more than one glass. If you are worried about breastfeeding and what kinds of medications you can ingest and breastfeed with, and even if it's not okay you have to feel okay with it anyway, this site was the best resource I found for it: Kelly Mom.  When I had my Postpartum Anxiety and was on all kinds of meds for it including ethanol...heehee...this was my go to site.  It was my saviour in a strange way.  I fixated on something I felt would get me through this, or at least that must have been my gut instinct, and went to this site and the other sites it referenced every day.  Sometimes every hour.

So anyway, back to the drinking. Want to know what my favorite book was at the time? Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's "Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay".  Kind of scary that I even remembered her exact name and how to spell it correctly. I bonded with her while reading this book. I identified with her, I thought "go me" I don't have a drinking problem, I just have a rough life...until she exposed herself.  On Larry King Live no less.  Her wine drinking every night wasn't about just taking the edge off.  It was turning into a full, blown problem.  Oh, well, that's just fucking great.  Here I finally feel good about myself and she has to go and do that.  Needless to say I was disappointed.  I even pointed it out to her on her blog.  I don't think she noticed.   But I digress.

Okay, duty is calling once again, so remind me where I left off please cause I still have lots to say about this...

Slightly Drunk,