sitting with the crazies...

okay...that sooo wasn't nice i know. i was referring to sitting in the waiting room of my therapist's office.  mind you this is coming from someone who identifies with crazy.  i'm not used to sitting in a waiting room of a shrink's office, sorry for all the stereotypes, because my last 3 therapists (yes, I am now on 4), didn't have a waiting room.  more like either a small alcove with a chair, a house, or lobby.  never a waiting room.

so on days it's packed guess what?  it's awkward...i don't know why, it just is. i always advocate that this isn't about taboos...thus this blog.

but it's just funny when you're sitting in a waiting room, desperately wanting to be by your own crazy self, when suddenly there are 8 others in close proximity.  and one of them has a crazy 2 year old who's alll over the place. oh wait...that's me...cause yes as a mom not only do you not get to pee by yourself you also don't get to therapy by yourself either.

so there we were...and i try to smile at others, and make eye contact.  which is pretty stupid because i know when i was at my crazy worst, or crazy  best depending on how you look at it, i was in such panick mode i would be on the verge of screaming hysterically if someone so much as glimpsed my way...but i want to be friendly and give that knowing glance that it's all good.  it's all going to be okay.  we're not crazy, or we're all crazy because the whole world is crazy when you get right down to it so who cares right?

anyway, just making a craazyyyy observation...because i can....because i'm one of them...he... he... he...

everything changes

so my life looks nothing like it did almost two and a half years ago when my baby son was born and i suffered from severe postpartum anxiety.  crazy times.  who knew?! I can honestly say i am Happy.  Wow.  i have been unable to say that for a long time.

as to postpartum anxiety...gone.  ladies it can be done.  i am living proof...emphasis on the living.

regular' ol depression and anxiety...gone.

what's my secret? having a person come into your life who shows you that you are a good person. that you are lovable. that you are important and matter. this person could go away today, and i would have fond memories and be extremely thankful to this person, knowing they came into my life for a short period of time for a reason. to save me from myself.

now the rest is up to me....

Postpartum Depression Anxiety...What I Looked Forward To At The End of the Day...

When I was in the midst of my Postpartum Anxiety you want to know what I looked forward to at the end of the day? Was it my newborn baby boy? No! I was deathly afraid of him! Was it my beautiful 6 year old daughter? That whole year of her life is a blur to me. Was it my husband? No way, I felt that not only did he not know how to support me through it (I know that's not fair but I have supporting evidence) he was contributing to it. So here goes nothing...

A glass of wine. And not any glass of wine but a good oaky Chardonnay that I couldn't afford. So since I couldn't afford it I had to settle for a lesser, cheaper version of the original. But it worked. It was medicine to my soul. At least then. The American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Drugs classifies alcohol (ethanol) as a “Maternal Medication Usually Compatible With Breastfeeding.” A medication...and didn't I say it was like medicine to my soul. If only I didn't do it every day. And only if I didn't have more than one glass. If you are worried about breastfeeding and what kinds of medications you can ingest and breastfeed with, and even if it's not okay you have to feel okay with it anyway, this site was the best resource I found for it: Kelly Mom.  When I had my Postpartum Anxiety and was on all kinds of meds for it including ethanol...heehee...this was my go to site.  It was my saviour in a strange way.  I fixated on something I felt would get me through this, or at least that must have been my gut instinct, and went to this site and the other sites it referenced every day.  Sometimes every hour.

So anyway, back to the drinking. Want to know what my favorite book was at the time? Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's "Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay".  Kind of scary that I even remembered her exact name and how to spell it correctly. I bonded with her while reading this book. I identified with her, I thought "go me" I don't have a drinking problem, I just have a rough life...until she exposed herself.  On Larry King Live no less.  Her wine drinking every night wasn't about just taking the edge off.  It was turning into a full, blown problem.  Oh, well, that's just fucking great.  Here I finally feel good about myself and she has to go and do that.  Needless to say I was disappointed.  I even pointed it out to her on her blog.  I don't think she noticed.   But I digress.

Okay, duty is calling once again, so remind me where I left off please cause I still have lots to say about this...

Slightly Drunk,
Mom

Top 50 Blogs on Depression

Hey - I made it on someone's list for the above title. Can't believe it! They may just be trying to get more hits on their website, get it 1st page Google ranked, but whatever...just excited to be there. You can find it here: Postpartum Depression Anxiety

I am listed as #37 overall and #3 right under Postpartum Progress (shocking!) under the heading of Top Postpartum Blogs About Depression.

And you wanna know what else? If you type in a Google search the following "Postpartum Depression and Anxiety" guess what??? I am on the first page of Google!!! Granted I'm the last listing on the page, but I'm on that page. On the same page as Postpartum Progress. Unbelievable...very exciting stuff!

i am NEVER going to travel down this road again!

omg...you think i would have figured it out by now. my post titled "a road i've been down before" discusses a time when i was no longer suffering from post-partum anxiety but was literally driving down the same road i had been when i was. it brought back memories. and a little anxiety.

well, guess what? once again, i was driving home down this road and i started getting little anxiety attacks. nothing major, but enough for me to feel like i was starting to breathe too fast and that i might need to pull over. and then i realized...i've been down this road before...both literally AND figuratively. and i don't want to go down it anymore. you think i would've learned my lesson. well, it just so happens this is the quickest way to and from the mall...heehee


but i will find another way. just like i had to find another way to get out of my postpartum anxiety. reading blogs like this one, books, joining online and offline support groups was what i did. i was trying to reach out to everbody because i feared if i didn't i wouldn't be around much longer to take care of not only my beautiful DD but my beautiful newborn DS.

by the way, it is 2 years later and i am taking the max of my anti-depressants and just recently was prescribed a new anti-anxiety med to deal with the anxiety that pops up at the witching hour...more on that later...in the mean time...please try to keep on, keeping on...much hugs to you and yours!

The Lurker...

that's what I'll call my persistent depression/anxiety. Every time I want to enjoy the moment, enjoy my new little boy, or my daughter, it's there lurking in my brain. I can't shake it...I've tried literally. I wish it would go away, but the more I try and wish it away the more I become aware of it. I know they say that which you resist only persists stronger, it's so hard not to resist it. They say to accept it, but how do you accept something that makes you so miserable and doubt yourself as a wife, mother, individual, and hate everything about yourself. I can't accept that! But I know that if I am going to get past this, I am going to have to try....

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

Well, I haven't written about the really scary episodes I had...maybe cause I'm fearful if I go back there I may not come back. Here is what it feels like:

• you have intrusive irrational thoughts about everything
  
• you feel agitated and fearful constantly
• you feel like you would rather not be alive than feel like this
• you feel isolated and lonely
• you feel despair
• you feel like this is never going to end
• you feel like no one understands
• you feel like a psycho
• you feel like screaming so you do it in your head

The list goes on but I don't want to depress anyone else that may not be...

sleeping through the night....

Every new parent fantasizes about it...well, it happened last nite...at 5 weeks and 5 days. And night in this instance means from midnight to 5 a.m. We were shocked to say the least. And I'm not holding my breath that it will happen again tonite, cause newborns aren't supposed to do this until about 2+ months of age and some don't even do it until 9 mos...Sleep means everything right now with this postpartum. I'm feeling a little better this morning. I just wish I could shake the edgy fear factor I feel...cause it still makes me afraid of my baby, ambivalent towards him and towards becoming a Mom again. One thing I heard on that show "Obsessed" which I think is great (the show), is the therapist said those suffering from anxiety want a guarantee that things will be better, but there are no guarantees in life so we just keep looking for the guarantee and get more anxious when it doesn't happen. I keep looking for it but I know I just need to keep pushing forward, moment by moment...

who is that boy...?

I was in what felt like a drug-induced sleep and my husband walked into the room with the baby....oh, he's still here? and I have to do something with him? could I be a worse Mom?! I got up nursed, changed a diaper, burped, all the newborn things you're supposed to do...maybe if I keep doing them (do I have a choice?!) they will start to feel normal and real and not like this is someone else's kid. I mean he is adorable, everyone keeps telling me so, why can't I just enjoy this....? Oh yeah, it's the Postpartum Anxiety dragging me down, making me feel like none of this is real, lowering my self-esteem, reducing me to someone I don't even recognize. Well, I've seen her before, but if my family read this they wouldn't recognize me.

The Dark Place

Postpartum, 5 and a 1/2 weeks...last 2 weeks been to the dark place too many times to count. Here's what it looks like....I'm looking at my newborn baby and I'm wondering when his parents are going to come get him. He is only 8lbs. yet frightens me in a way I cannot describe...what am I supposed to do with him...???! Every time he starts to stir from sleep, I get on edge, I start freakin out....don't wake up, don't wake up...and then he does....and I take him and nurse him and change him and do all those newborn things you're supposed to do...I do it in a fog, but at least I do it. Then I pray he goes back to sleep...and then I feel like a failure because I feel this way...I hate myself, I'm ambivalent towards my baby, which makes me hate myself more, I'm irritated by my daughter, which makes me hate myself more...and the anxiety consistently washes over me like a wave in the ocean...as if you just laid down in the sand at the shore and let the waves come, that's what the anxiety does to me. This is what they call Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.