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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The beginning...

Anxiety Why. Why? Why?! Why! Why does it always have to be like this. I hate this! This is not fun! Am I the only one going through this? I know sometimes it’s fun in a psycho kind of way to think you’re the only one going through this. Then YOU can be the only victim and the martyr and the one who has to do everything. We all know, misery loves company and that’s more fun than being miserable all by yourself. However, this is my story and I can tell it however I want to. My name is Zoloft Girl (for purposes of this Blog), I am 39 and I belong in a nuthouse. Why can’t anybody see that…? My life would be a lot better if someone would just commit me. Then I wouldn’t have to be responsible for myself or the way my family is turning out….or not turning out. I am not going to reveal at the beginning my ending. So you will have to read to the end to find out the beginning. It all started out so, well, normally. And average. And just so, whatever. But when it snuck up on me, wham, it whacked me up side the head and tore me to shreds. My favorite description…? It feels like someone has peeled back my skin, exposed my raw nerves, and took a big, fat feather and is running it ever so carefully across the exposed nerve endings. Another favorite description….? It’s that feeling you hope you never get when you are on a plane, that is taking too long to take off and you want to jump up, and run screaming through the aisles, arms flailing, “get me off this f%$#@ airplane!" You also don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. You know it’s yours, it looks like yours, but it doesn’t feel like yours and you wish it wasn’t. That’s where the journey began. Although, I believe a “journey” is usually something fun and exciting and you can’t wait to take and I would never wish this trip on my worst enemy. You feel like your body has betrayed you, that your mind has betrayed you, that your God has betrayed you. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, gets you at this point. Not even a little bit. Unless, of course, if they have taken the same journey. But what I have found is either everyone is in denial, is lying, or truly there are only 6 of us on the whole planet who have experienced this feeling. If more of us admitted it, I think it would make the rest of us feel “normal”. But, I digress….It’s really too bad too. We as women, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, could support each other in so many ways, yet we choose to be the strong one, the one with the perfect house, child, husband, family, job, career, marriage, etc. You know who you are. But I know you’re hurting. If you could/would just come to me and admit that, you not only would be helping me you would be helping yourself and the ripple effect of that, the potential is so huge. Right now what’s helping me??? My favorite wine glass with my favorite Chard in it. Yes, I have a special glass for my chardonnay wine and those of you judging me right now, don’t you drink your coffee/tea out of the same cup every morning, hmmmm?! I am always checking with my friends, with the next door neighbor, “do you have a glass of wine every night with dinner?” only I don’t stop at one and I would never ask, do you have a bottle of wine w/dinner all to yourself?! Who does that, right? Aggh! (I do…!)I just want to feel normal again, if only I could remember what that was, or is, or how.


Christine said...

That is a stunning beginning to a blog. Very raw and real. Thank you for sharing and being willing to expose yourself to help yourself and help others.

Dee said...

It takes someone with a lot of strength to come forward with this journey. God bless and thank you for sharing. I'm sure there are many that will feel comfort n knowing they're not alone.

Anita said...

Very nicely done. Your words are very descriptive and I could in a sense feel what you are talking about. If that makes sense. Write some more.

Rosemary said...

Reading this takes me back to my own 'hole'... I'm there with you in so many ways. You're definitely not alone. Thanks for putting into words so much of what we experience in our private and horribly dark, lonely treks through PPD/PPA/etc, etc... whichever label someone chose for you.

Looking forward to reading on! Thanks!