Flash Forward to today...

The last post although written this year was describing an episode I had in my 30's. I'm now 41. And just had a baby 5 1/2 weeks ago...And the anxiety's back...Prior to this I struggled with depression but the anxiety had never come back. Until now. It shouldn't be called Postpartum Depression. It should be called Postpartum Anxiety. Who knows it probably is. But this feels like such a slap in the face after all these years of having not had it. The best way to describe the feeling this time when the anxiety is severe is you know that feeling you get when you have a close call on the freeway with another car. Your heart starts racing, there's a sinking feeling in your stomach, you're frightened and it takes a few minutes to calm down and realize that you didn't have an accident. Well, I feel like that most ALL the time. I can't even feel fatigued from the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn because the agitation from feeling like this all day prevents this from happening. Which also means I can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I want to shout out THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING! WHY ME! But I can't, I have a 6yo daughter and a husband who's been here with me before but I feel a need to show them I'm okay...even though the suffering gets unbearable. I want a magic pill, but after 3 of them no go...