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Monday, March 5, 2012

suicide ideation

sucks. It's the preoccupation with death and thoughts of suicide. Not necessarily something you would actually act upon, but the preoccuaption is incredibly scary.

Particularly if you drink. I hate to admit this out loud but I actually thought of how I was going to do it. I had too many glasses of wine, too much pain and sadness, and it seemed the easy way out and the only way out.

When I woke in the morning and that first realization that I had given such serious thought to this...scared the living hell out of me.

You see I have 2 young kids.

Why does suicide ideation occur? Not sure but here's my theory: I've had my fair share of depression, anxiety, postpartum anxiety so the death thoughts aren't anything new. I think your body can only take so much overwhelming stress and anxiety that your ability to handle ongoing stress becomes limited.

In other words, your threshold is lowered. So the next time you get a huge blow in your life, you don't have the same capacity you did before to deal with it.

Thus anxiety and depression occur.

And suicide ideation.

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