The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

back to the therapist...(aka) getting your hair done...

which is a good thing...actually a really great thing! it is amazing to tell a complete stranger everything you need to get off your chest and you walk out a little lighter.

yes, the insidious anxiety has come back and it took six weeks to wait for an appointment...six excruciating weeks. needless to say that i now have a weekly appointment for the next six weeks.

my friend mentioned that once i went..."you will feel so good about yourself, kinda like you got your hair done." and you know what? she was right! thank you friend!

to all of you postpartum women out there that think it's shameful, or taboo, or think that a therapist couldn't help...i beg you to try it. this isn't the first time i've been and it certainly won't be the last.

i swear even today people won't openly state they see a therapist. to me it's no different then going to the gym to workout my body. i feel like a healthier, stronger person for going...it's like a workout for your soul.

will i ever get used to this,,,?

will i ever get used to these muggy nights? will i ever get used to these southern charming not-so-charming neighbors? will i always miss home? which is california. when will i stop calling it (california) home? i've been in north carolina for 6 years now...at least i think i have. we had a major tornado scare last weekend. like, (i had to do that, i'm from california, my nickname is val, valygirl, get it?) i was and my family were huddled in the little guest bathroom hoping it wouldn't hit us. it was less than 8 miles away. we could tell when the tornado went by us because the lights started to flicker on and off quite quickly. no fun. debris was falling from the sky! unbelievable! NC took the hardest hit after last weekend's deadly storms. and again, we were on tornado watch and my husband just informed me that 39 people died. not in NC but this just happened last weekend and it's already happening again? and yes, i am depressed once again...will it never end? i never buy tabloid mags. but i had to pick up people mag. when i saw that catherine zeta jones admitted to just recently being diagnosed with bi-polar. it hits too close to home because when i was a newlywed 13 years ago(just celebrated 2 weeks ago) my father-in-law committed suicide...on dec. 21...4 days before christmas...we now have 2 young children and it sucks to always have to remember this...he quit taking his meds for a week although the crisis person said this wouldn't have caused this. really? i think he was probably on edge all the time and a week of cold turkey killed him. cause once again i ran out of meds cause my doc. sent in the wrong rx to the pharmacy...and i'm pmsing...it is a deadly combo...going cold turkey on meds. can cause a serious crisis.

they should probably put that as a warning on prescription bottles...

why am i here AGAIN...???!

i am soooo sick of this. once again, great day yesterday, livin' in the moment like eckhert tolle in a "new earth" says to do, but today, the big D. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N...i just don't get it...ok...to be fair...i don't think i've mentioned yet that my 8yo DD was just recently diagnosed with a serious eye disease that could cause her to go blind and is in fact the 3RD LEADING CAUSE OF BLINDNESS IN THE WORLD! and she is going through a regimen of steroid eye drops (7X a day, 3 different drops)and turns out she was a "steroid responder" and her eye pressure went through the ROOF (above 40. 20 and below is normal) and also is doing low-dose chemotherapy injections once a week. for those that are interested the diagnosis is Uveitis. i know...uve what? i had no idea...all those people that go blind for no reason...guess what? it was probably Uveitis.

anyway, i digress...i feel like i am going crazy...guess what came back as a result...my POSTPARTUM ANXIETY (PPA). not anything like after i had my son, but it definitely came back and i already used up all my klonopin...hmm...i give up~!

neighbors in the south SUCK!

sorry southerners, but it's how i feel right now...know why? okay, here goes...a certain unnamed neighbor who is the gossip, the nosy one, the troublemaker, the involved, in everyone's business one, was building up resentment toward my 8yo daughter and i...why?...well, that's for another post cause it's too long to tell here...anyway, long story longer, my sweet newly adopted dog, bit her dog because her redneck foolish husband didn't bother to respond to my urgent requests to pick up his dog, pull his dog away, etc. etc. he had her at the end of a 20ft. long retractable leash (i hate those things...they are dangerous PEOPLE!) and my dog pulled away from me, bit his dog and he was being sooooooooo clueless (the husband not the dog...the dog is smartER than he is) I was the one who had to pick his dog up! his dog was fine, but they called animal control on us...even after i went over, said i would pay the vet bill, urged foolish husband to take said dog to vet knowing how foolish he was...okay, long story long again, they almost beat us up...literally!

southern charm should be known as southern-i'll-be-as-sweet-as-pie-to-your-face-and-talk-serious-shit-behind-your-back-and-give-you-a-hug-the-next-day-BLESS-YOUR-HEART!...coming from the west coast i wasn't aware that every time the above neighbor said "bless her heart" to me she was really saying "fuck you!"...well, BLESS YOUR HEART SOUTHERN NEIGHBOR...!

what is this???

Okay - maybe it's not postpartum anything, my son is 20 months old for godsakes...but i'm freakin out right now...my Rx ran out, no refills, went cold turkey for 3 days and i'm so dizzy and out of my mind i want to hurt someone (a certain neighbor in particular)and did i mention that i believe i am pms'ing...?

this sucks! for all you ppd mom's out there...i feel for you, i know it sucks for you too right now...just don't let your meds run out... it happens so easily because life is so busy and before you know it you have no meds, no refills and the doctor isn't returning the call....i am off to tarjay first thing in the a.m. before i hurt my neighbor, i mean someone...i mean my neighbor....i mean this doesn't count as incriminating evidence does it???!

some days i feel like i just can't do this...

do you ever feel that way? i know i've mentioned i'm over ppd/ppa but how come i come to a moment where i am just done. i want to be done. i don't nor i can't do this anymore. have you ever felt that way? and this can be after you had a relatively normal day, your 8yo dd just had her bff stay overnite and they had a great time (for the most part) and your neighbor/friend/used-to-have-some-issues-with-not-sure-where-i-stand just left after a relatively fun time and you're done...

you're just done...can you relate???

A Road I've Been Down Before...

Literally. Today I was driving on a highway (and in North Carolina a highway consists of a 2-lane highway and no lights at night through the country which makes for a completely harrowing experience) and it reminded me of my postpartum anxiety. I remember a day approx. 18 months ago when I forced myself to get out of the house and drive down this road...with my 6 year old daughter no less, praying to the driving gods that I wasn't going to end up in a horrible roadside accident. I had my little girl in the car for god-sakes! Now I'm sure at this point you're wondering why I would have my little girl in the car when I was worried I might crash the car? Because no one, not even your husband, knows how bad you are suffering from postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. I had to take my little girl to a birthday party and my husband had to stay home to watch the baby. Now, if I asked he would have taken my girl to the party, but I thought if I didn't FORCE myself outta the house, I would die a slow, torturous, anxiety-ridden death. I knew it was supposed to be good for me if I went.

It was extremely difficult to stay focused on the road and driving. My mind was all over the place and I just couldn't focus. And every time I realized that, I gripped the steering wheel that much tighter and forged ahead. I made it safely to the party and home again, but driving on that same road again tonight brought it all back...I even had tiny anxiety attacks just driving on that road tonight. And the entire time I was at the birthday party 18 months ago the anxiety was rolling over me in waves. I ended up telling all the Moms I was familiar with about it. Thankfully, one of them told me her story of when she was so full of postpartum anxiety she took a toothbrush to her tile floors to clean them because she was trying to expend the energy from the anxiety from her system.

I was deep in the throes of this anxiety and so panicky at that party. I was desperate. I kept talking to 3 moms telling them how I was feeling and realizing at the same time how inappropriate it was for me to be discussing this at a 6 year old beauty spa birthday party.

The drive home, although would give me some relief, was just as anxiety-ridden as the drive there. I was so afraid of crashing.

I was so glad when I made it home...don't remember anything thereafter...

But that road and the memories...I can't believe I (literally) made it out alive and am here today to talk about it. If anyone out there is reading this, please, please just know you are NOT alone. We are out there everywhere, talk to us, don't be embarassed, ashamed, whatever, just talk to us. We can help. I was actually at the birthday party tonight of the Mom that did the toothbrush thing. She made me feel 18 months ago that I could get through this.

And I guess I had to go down that road back then, like I had to today to get where I am now. Am I happy? Hmmm...right now tough question due to extenuating circumstances...but I know that I no longer have postpartum anything, which to me, means the world right now.

Sitting on my front porch...RE-POST...!

It is August 18, I am sitting on my rocking chair front porch and one year ago today I was sitting on this same front porch thinking I wanted to die.  My 4 week, 4 day old baby was inside with my husband and daughter, and the anxiety was so immense, I just wanted to die.  I knew what Postpartum Depression was, and I was very familiar with old regular depression as well as anxiety, but Postpartum Anxiety...I had no idea.  Right now lightning is flashing in the distance...that's what reminded me...I'll never forget that Mom that didn't know what she was dropping in on when she came to my door to drop off diapers.  Someone who didn't like me very much.  And I broke down right in front of her.  Well, what happened next could only happen in the South.  I'm from the West Coast so I know. That Mom who didn't care for me very much grabbed 5 other Moms on the street, drug them into my house, and my bedroom, bypassing baby, dad, and daughter, grabbed a wet washcloth and started wiping my forehead.  Consoling me.  She knew.  And that is the common bond.  But, am I friends with her now?  No, she has alienated herself on this block.  I have come to believe that people in the South can hate you but save your life when you're in a pinch.  Wish I could really know them instead.  I don't want them just for the crisis.  But if that's the only time I'll ever get them? I'll take it.  And I remember that night a year ago clearly; glass of Sangria in my hand, my baby boy in his baby bjorn sleeping on my chest, I was in her backyard with the other Moms (I hadn't been out of the house prior to that) lightning in the distance, very common in the South, and I was saved.  If only those women knew what they did for me...I don't think they'll ever really know.

new design...

okay, i got sick of the depressing, dramatic black for my blog so decided to change it...whaddya think?