Postpartum Depression Anxiety...What I Looked Forward To At The End of the Day...

When I was in the midst of my Postpartum Anxiety you want to know what I looked forward to at the end of the day? Was it my newborn baby boy? No! I was deathly afraid of him! Was it my beautiful 6 year old daughter? That whole year of her life is a blur to me. Was it my husband? No way, I felt that not only did he not know how to support me through it (I know that's not fair but I have supporting evidence) he was contributing to it. So here goes nothing...

A glass of wine. And not any glass of wine but a good oaky Chardonnay that I couldn't afford. So since I couldn't afford it I had to settle for a lesser, cheaper version of the original. But it worked. It was medicine to my soul. At least then. The American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Drugs classifies alcohol (ethanol) as a “Maternal Medication Usually Compatible With Breastfeeding.” A medication...and didn't I say it was like medicine to my soul. If only I didn't do it every day. And only if I didn't have more than one glass. If you are worried about breastfeeding and what kinds of medications you can ingest and breastfeed with, and even if it's not okay you have to feel okay with it anyway, this site was the best resource I found for it: Kelly Mom.  When I had my Postpartum Anxiety and was on all kinds of meds for it including ethanol...heehee...this was my go to site.  It was my saviour in a strange way.  I fixated on something I felt would get me through this, or at least that must have been my gut instinct, and went to this site and the other sites it referenced every day.  Sometimes every hour.

So anyway, back to the drinking. Want to know what my favorite book was at the time? Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's "Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay".  Kind of scary that I even remembered her exact name and how to spell it correctly. I bonded with her while reading this book. I identified with her, I thought "go me" I don't have a drinking problem, I just have a rough life...until she exposed herself.  On Larry King Live no less.  Her wine drinking every night wasn't about just taking the edge off.  It was turning into a full, blown problem.  Oh, well, that's just fucking great.  Here I finally feel good about myself and she has to go and do that.  Needless to say I was disappointed.  I even pointed it out to her on her blog.  I don't think she noticed.   But I digress.

Okay, duty is calling once again, so remind me where I left off please cause I still have lots to say about this...

Slightly Drunk,
Mom

Top 50 Blogs on Depression

Hey - I made it on someone's list for the above title. Can't believe it! They may just be trying to get more hits on their website, get it 1st page Google ranked, but whatever...just excited to be there. You can find it here: Postpartum Depression Anxiety

I am listed as #37 overall and #3 right under Postpartum Progress (shocking!) under the heading of Top Postpartum Blogs About Depression.

And you wanna know what else? If you type in a Google search the following "Postpartum Depression and Anxiety" guess what??? I am on the first page of Google!!! Granted I'm the last listing on the page, but I'm on that page. On the same page as Postpartum Progress. Unbelievable...very exciting stuff!

i am NEVER going to travel down this road again!

omg...you think i would have figured it out by now. my post titled "a road i've been down before" discusses a time when i was no longer suffering from post-partum anxiety but was literally driving down the same road i had been when i was. it brought back memories. and a little anxiety.

well, guess what? once again, i was driving home down this road and i started getting little anxiety attacks. nothing major, but enough for me to feel like i was starting to breathe too fast and that i might need to pull over. and then i realized...i've been down this road before...both literally AND figuratively. and i don't want to go down it anymore. you think i would've learned my lesson. well, it just so happens this is the quickest way to and from the mall...heehee


but i will find another way. just like i had to find another way to get out of my postpartum anxiety. reading blogs like this one, books, joining online and offline support groups was what i did. i was trying to reach out to everbody because i feared if i didn't i wouldn't be around much longer to take care of not only my beautiful DD but my beautiful newborn DS.

by the way, it is 2 years later and i am taking the max of my anti-depressants and just recently was prescribed a new anti-anxiety med to deal with the anxiety that pops up at the witching hour...more on that later...in the mean time...please try to keep on, keeping on...much hugs to you and yours!

The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

The Crazy Suburban Mom: This explains why so many diets fail....

back to the therapist...(aka) getting your hair done...

which is a good thing...actually a really great thing! it is amazing to tell a complete stranger everything you need to get off your chest and you walk out a little lighter.

yes, the insidious anxiety has come back and it took six weeks to wait for an appointment...six excruciating weeks. needless to say that i now have a weekly appointment for the next six weeks.

my friend mentioned that once i went..."you will feel so good about yourself, kinda like you got your hair done." and you know what? she was right! thank you friend!

to all of you postpartum women out there that think it's shameful, or taboo, or think that a therapist couldn't help...i beg you to try it. this isn't the first time i've been and it certainly won't be the last.

i swear even today people won't openly state they see a therapist. to me it's no different then going to the gym to workout my body. i feel like a healthier, stronger person for going...it's like a workout for your soul.

will i ever get used to this,,,?

will i ever get used to these muggy nights? will i ever get used to these southern charming not-so-charming neighbors? will i always miss home? which is california. when will i stop calling it (california) home? i've been in north carolina for 6 years now...at least i think i have. we had a major tornado scare last weekend. like, (i had to do that, i'm from california, my nickname is val, valygirl, get it?) i was and my family were huddled in the little guest bathroom hoping it wouldn't hit us. it was less than 8 miles away. we could tell when the tornado went by us because the lights started to flicker on and off quite quickly. no fun. debris was falling from the sky! unbelievable! NC took the hardest hit after last weekend's deadly storms. and again, we were on tornado watch and my husband just informed me that 39 people died. not in NC but this just happened last weekend and it's already happening again? and yes, i am depressed once again...will it never end? i never buy tabloid mags. but i had to pick up people mag. when i saw that catherine zeta jones admitted to just recently being diagnosed with bi-polar. it hits too close to home because when i was a newlywed 13 years ago(just celebrated 2 weeks ago) my father-in-law committed suicide...on dec. 21...4 days before christmas...we now have 2 young children and it sucks to always have to remember this...he quit taking his meds for a week although the crisis person said this wouldn't have caused this. really? i think he was probably on edge all the time and a week of cold turkey killed him. cause once again i ran out of meds cause my doc. sent in the wrong rx to the pharmacy...and i'm pmsing...it is a deadly combo...going cold turkey on meds. can cause a serious crisis.

they should probably put that as a warning on prescription bottles...

why am i here AGAIN...???!

i am soooo sick of this. once again, great day yesterday, livin' in the moment like eckhert tolle in a "new earth" says to do, but today, the big D. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N...i just don't get it...ok...to be fair...i don't think i've mentioned yet that my 8yo DD was just recently diagnosed with a serious eye disease that could cause her to go blind and is in fact the 3RD LEADING CAUSE OF BLINDNESS IN THE WORLD! and she is going through a regimen of steroid eye drops (7X a day, 3 different drops)and turns out she was a "steroid responder" and her eye pressure went through the ROOF (above 40. 20 and below is normal) and also is doing low-dose chemotherapy injections once a week. for those that are interested the diagnosis is Uveitis. i know...uve what? i had no idea...all those people that go blind for no reason...guess what? it was probably Uveitis.

anyway, i digress...i feel like i am going crazy...guess what came back as a result...my POSTPARTUM ANXIETY (PPA). not anything like after i had my son, but it definitely came back and i already used up all my klonopin...hmm...i give up~!

neighbors in the south SUCK!

sorry southerners, but it's how i feel right now...know why? okay, here goes...a certain unnamed neighbor who is the gossip, the nosy one, the troublemaker, the involved, in everyone's business one, was building up resentment toward my 8yo daughter and i...why?...well, that's for another post cause it's too long to tell here...anyway, long story longer, my sweet newly adopted dog, bit her dog because her redneck foolish husband didn't bother to respond to my urgent requests to pick up his dog, pull his dog away, etc. etc. he had her at the end of a 20ft. long retractable leash (i hate those things...they are dangerous PEOPLE!) and my dog pulled away from me, bit his dog and he was being sooooooooo clueless (the husband not the dog...the dog is smartER than he is) I was the one who had to pick his dog up! his dog was fine, but they called animal control on us...even after i went over, said i would pay the vet bill, urged foolish husband to take said dog to vet knowing how foolish he was...okay, long story long again, they almost beat us up...literally!

southern charm should be known as southern-i'll-be-as-sweet-as-pie-to-your-face-and-talk-serious-shit-behind-your-back-and-give-you-a-hug-the-next-day-BLESS-YOUR-HEART!...coming from the west coast i wasn't aware that every time the above neighbor said "bless her heart" to me she was really saying "fuck you!"...well, BLESS YOUR HEART SOUTHERN NEIGHBOR...!

what is this???

Okay - maybe it's not postpartum anything, my son is 20 months old for godsakes...but i'm freakin out right now...my Rx ran out, no refills, went cold turkey for 3 days and i'm so dizzy and out of my mind i want to hurt someone (a certain neighbor in particular)and did i mention that i believe i am pms'ing...?

this sucks! for all you ppd mom's out there...i feel for you, i know it sucks for you too right now...just don't let your meds run out... it happens so easily because life is so busy and before you know it you have no meds, no refills and the doctor isn't returning the call....i am off to tarjay first thing in the a.m. before i hurt my neighbor, i mean someone...i mean my neighbor....i mean this doesn't count as incriminating evidence does it???!

some days i feel like i just can't do this...

do you ever feel that way? i know i've mentioned i'm over ppd/ppa but how come i come to a moment where i am just done. i want to be done. i don't nor i can't do this anymore. have you ever felt that way? and this can be after you had a relatively normal day, your 8yo dd just had her bff stay overnite and they had a great time (for the most part) and your neighbor/friend/used-to-have-some-issues-with-not-sure-where-i-stand just left after a relatively fun time and you're done...

you're just done...can you relate???